Is it Really Possible to have Enough?

A couple years ago I contemplated my future financial situation.  I was living in an apartment for many years and had steady income from a corporate job for well over 20 years straight.  Back in 2010 I was forced to think about long term unemployment.  What I realized in 2010 was that I had no debt and that I could literally have survived off of my 401K retirement savings for many years without a job.  That was my first appreciation of the idea of living in a “retired” state.  So for just a bit it almost seemed I could almost “have it made” by being layed-off and then just living live day-to-day without worries of deadlines or having to lose lots of sleep staying up late at night or getting up really early in the morning.  I almost seemed to “have it made.”  I almost seemed to have enough.  Except …

 … for the fact that it was getting really cramped in space.  I had been living in apartments for around 15 year.  In the apartments I found it hard many times to get into a state of expansiveness, exploration and creativity as every table top or desk surface seemed to be covered with papers, books, boxes, computers or appliances of some sort.  I longed for a room with that empty space that I could just sprawl out completely on the floor and flail my hands and legs freely without bumping into anything. 

Fast forward to today and I now live in my first house.  I love how our house manages to come across as modest-middle-classed sized yet has been renovated to feel spacious.  I now can find rooms where I can sprawl on the floor and swing my limbs freely.  I now have enough space.  And its a house that is right-sized for my income level.  However, unlike my former apartment,  it’s no longer the situation that if I lost my job that I could keep up the monthly payments for years.  In my prior cramped apartment I felt more financial security but with a shortage of everyday space and quality of life.  Now in my roomier house I am now satisfied with the everyday space and quality of life, but am starting to feel some financial insecurity.

You see when I leave my job, either by choice or being layed-off I really need to have my house paid off.  But, it seems that now in order to consider paying off my house I will need to continue working for another 20 years!  Sigh.  I’m back to my state of not having enough. 

Now my mantra is “if I could only pay off my house” then I’ll be set.  Then I could afford to leave my corporate job and only be making monthly payments for property tax and utilities.  I’d be set.  If all that could occur then I’d have enough. 

That there’s a part of me that’s wise enough to know that such a statement is often short lived.  Most of humanity has made the “If only …. then I’d be satisfied” only to get what they wanted and then discover they still want something more.

But I’m different, I’m very spiritual. I’m enlightened. I’m evolved. Right?  … I’ve gone to several spiritual retreats.  I’ve been going to the Barbara Brennan School of Healing (BBSH). I am an older and wiser man that’s been thru hell and back more than once.  This time it’s different.  I do not really need more income.  I have been very satisified with my income level.  My ideal state would simply to stay at the same income level but just work fewer and fewer hours.  That’s all. I ask for no more. 

It’s just that I observe how fickle my emotions are.  Just yesterday I had a wonderful start of the day with a short run, followed by meditation in sun light of one of the empty rooms in my house.  I felt full.  One of my computers then failed on me and then I’m thrown off a bit. And that thrown off state kind of grew thru the evening.  And then this morning I lose that momentum and sort of felt like calling in sick and staying in bed.  I then pushed myself out of bed started my run, felt terrible in the beginning and noticeably better at the end of my run.  I must accept that a large variety of emotions throughout the course of a day is part of being human.

So with a large variety of emotions that can occur within just a couple of days, who can say where my emotions will be in several years an how that can influence things being enough.  Can I really say that if 20 years were to come and I manage to pay off my house and maybe qualify for full retirement I won’t say something like: “I wish I had a bigger house”  “I wish I had more land” “I wish I made more money … even if I have to work more hours”  I’m not saying that’s where I’m going .  But what I am saying is that so many people go that way.  Whose to say I’ll be any different?

But I’ll just leave it that I hope to achieve the state of “I have Enough” now and as many nows to follow afterwards.

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