Allowing myself to accept and feel my emotional pains


So I’m now surveying the past few years of my life.  I recall the times where I’ve experienced what feels like being emotionally “steamrolled” (at least that’s how it felt at the time) by people I’ve regarded as my supporters or loved ones. And I’ve experienced those same people come around to become yet again even stronger support and love.  And I accept they can change. We are afterall human.

I’ve experienced odd situations where say a large national business initially inadvertently mischarges me, admits it to it to my face, and only says that due to company policy they can’t remedy their mistake — almost taunting me to explode in anger — while another voice within me is getting ready to criticize me for getting petty enough to complain about being overcharged a few dollars here or there. And then maybe to throw a twist, a computer error happens and that same company maybe now refunds me anyway. Yet a part of me still feels inflamed wanting to complete a fight anyway. In the end it’s as if life challenges me to stand up and fight for my rights yet somehow also don’t fight too hard and take things out of perspective.

I’d rather just take one of two very distinct actions: 1) just give up and say “it’s not worth my time” or 2) say “This is war, I’m taking you to court!” I do not want to consider sort of an in-between ground, because it then it gets messy, unclear and even scary. I’m challenged to consider the in-between ground of not allowing my feelings to overtake me but also not disconnecting from my feelings. Taking this “middle ground” almost seems to be a willingness to prolong a discomfort that is probably actually more painful than I give credit for.

I think all of us at some time come to some nexus where it seems all of life is against you. It’s unfair, you’re misunderstood and misheard. And I believe to any unbiased observer they would all agree that what you are experiencing is completely unfair and unfortunate. And in these times you experience a pain. And I now come to realize how great the pain is. I am starting to come to believe that the emotional pains we experience in life are actually the most painful thing we could ever possibly experience. Greater than any physical pain. It’s just that in the emotional plane there is a remarkable ability to numb a vast amount of that emotional pain. And so in the emotional plane one can have the presence of the greatest most infinite pain we’ll ever experience yet have the ability to feel absolutely nothing due to the effectiveness of numbing — but in this state everyone can sense something is just not right and something keeps bothering you.

Lately, as I’ve been going thru the work of my personal development I’m constantly told of a commitment to feeling whatever I feel even if a significant part of that is pain. And so as I’ve matured I have grown to accept that pain is part of this world and it’s impossible to avoid all pain, despite how much I might want to. Furthermore, actions to avoid that pain, can possibly postpone the pain, but if pushed for too long will in the end create an even greater pain. So in the end there’s a realization of “I might as well face the fear”  and I might as well face the pain that I fear that I shall meet.”

And so I will do something with friends, with family, with a support group, with my schooling, and with the people at my work place, that will please some and simultaneously displease others. I will be exposed to situations where others will infuriate me, do something that is unfair, invalidate me, or completely disgregard me and I will feel hurt, maybe even very hurt.

But the key is to have the courage or rather the faith to know that what the others think or behave towards you will have little to do with you. But know that what you feel within means everything in the world. Dare you have the courage to sing your song and risk offending another’s ears or dance and find you unknowingly stepped on someone’s toes. Dare you take the risk of feeling the pain of the guilt you might feel as a result. And even more importantly dare you not pretend, blame or rationalize away your feelings of guilt, but dare you hang your head low in the face of your critiques and accusers, take it in the gut, fall down to your knees, feel low and ashamed, express your misgivings, and look foolish. Dare you with integrity and truth to yourself feel your feelings and name them as they are … and then with time … have a loving courage to hug yourself, kiss yourself, pick up the pieces and sing your song once again and dance once again.

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