I Aspire to Be Inefficient, Listless, Forgetful and Stupid

The way I’ve been feeling this month, it reminds me of a time nearly two years ago.  I had had the habit of taking on more and more responsibility. It’s OK I can handle it, I can handle it.   I came to awake in the realization I was in what was a severe depression.  And when I realized this it somehow shoved me way to the bottom, and all my worries spilled all over the floor and I could no longer afford to care about things. One thing I clearly remember is that I no longer cared that much for silly things like paying your bills.  I had significant money coming back in a tax refund, I didn’t care to collect it.  I had bills to pay that I could very much afford to pay but it was too much effort to pay. It was too confusing, so I didn’t care.  Go ahead and send the bill collectors, I don’t care.  Well after several months I eventually did get myself together and got back into the pace of the real world and settled all my financial affairs.  I even got ahead of the game last year by getting my tax returns way ahead of the deadline as opposed to filing for an extension.

But lately I’ve definitely have had glimmers of those overwhelming feelings.   You work extra hard to get yourself back in line.  Your life starts to get scattered and then things like trying not to lose your job hit you.  You find a new job and find your energy is spent trying to get back up to speed at the new job.  And whammo a month clicks by in every blink of the eye.

So a week ago I got a late payment notice in the mail from a doctor I had seen many months ago.  I could swear I paid all my bills, but was mostly too tired to defend so I just let it sit.  Then a couple of days ago I decided to at least give the doctor’s office a call that I really do want to settle my accounts, but that I think I did pay my bill, and that I’m feeling so overwhelmed that I felt like the very best I could do is just acknowledge that I do see your bill and I wish I could do something about it.  So right now all I can offer you is this call now because if I didn’t at least call now I’d never look at things until another blink of the eye, another month.  If you told me I had a rebate offer for a million dollars and that rebate offer expired in a month I’m sure I’d forfeit the million dollars.  I’m too busy doing things like trying to make and save money to worry about doing things to make and save money.

I have a physical therapist bill closing in on 2 years over due!  It’s for like $5 but I’m so sure I had settled this over a year ago yet they still keep hounding me.  The bill is based on probably a few hundred tiny charges with cryptic descriptions like “Commercial Adjustment” and “Offset Adjustment”  I swear if I pay the $5 they’ll take on $3.23 and give the reason of “Yippee Kayaaa adjustment” on the bill as the reason why I owe them money.  I don’t care but I swear they’ll keep hounding me till the end of time.  I’m too tired to defend by bill.  I did that a year ago.  They’ll forget my story and they’ll be a new person ready to hound me. I’m too tired. I don’t care.

I have a desk the size of a dining room table.  It’s cluttered with medical related items that I could file for a few thousand dollars in reimbursement from something called a Flexible Spending Account.  It’s money that I put aside last year that I might just elect to forfeit.  I mean I do care and that part cause me stress. But I sort of don’t care and that part causes me relief.  It’s odd.  If my bank said they were going to just clear out all my savings to save on computer costs I’d almost resign myself, oh well. And so as I write this it’s snowing outside and things are quiet and I’m shoveling out from a pile of to do items in my head one snow flake at a time.  It’s all I can do

So anyway more and more I really don’t want to hear about special offers.  Please don’t offer me 20% off for a limited time.  Don’t offer me a $100 rebate good for purchases by 1/31 and submitted on a special form postmarked by 2/28.  If you ask me what’s wrong?  Don’t I want to save money?  Don’t I want to save time?  Don’t I want to take advantage of a special opportunity?  Do I want to lose out on a once in a lifetime opportunity?

I will answer I think nothing is wrong, but NO …. I do not want to save money, I do not want to save time, I do not want to take advantage of a special opportunity.  YES I do want to lose out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. I want to waste money paying late fees. I want to forfeit all coupons and rebates.  I want to pay extra.  I want to waste my time.  I WANT TO BE INEFFICIENT. I want to BE STUPID.  Go ahead and laugh at me and profit from me.  I don’t care.  And this is how a really tired person feels.

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